Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
by Inieda
Summary: Misao vows to help Aoshi get over his past. Alternating POVs, each chapter's title is the song that inspired it. Enjoy and review. ^_^
1. Frozen

Okay, so this has been done a hundred million times already. But hey, what's one more Aoshi/Misao fanfic?  
  
Please forgive any errors you might see in my Japanese; most of what I learned came from fanfics. I would appreciate corrections.  
  
Disclaimer: Any and all characters belong to the great Watsuki-sensei and lots of other people I don't know. I own nothing but the plot of this fic. I do this not for profit, but to show my appreciation for the wonderful anime/manga that is Rurouni Kenshin. Please don't sue.  
  
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy Chapter 1: Frozen (Misao's POV)  
  
It's amazing what I can overhear when the others don't think I'm there. They try to shelter me from certain things, to keep me from hearing certain conversations.  
  
I don't know why they bother. Hannya-kun and the others trained me far too well. If I don't want someone to see me, they won't. Unless, of course, that someone is Aoshi-sama. He always knows when I'm watching him. He always has. When I was younger, I used to spy on Aoshi-sama while he trained off in the woods by himself. I couldn't help myself; he was so graceful, so deadly and precise it fascinated me to watch him dance death.  
  
But he always sensed my presence no matter what I did, or how crafty I tried to be. He'd turn around after a while with that almost-smile on his face, and very politely ask if he could walk me back to the Aoiya.  
  
The others, Jiiya, Omasu, Okon, Shiro and Kuro, are a different matter. I can easily hide my presence from them. That has always made practical jokes interesting, not to mention hilarious.  
  
Usually when I eavesdrop on Omasu and Okon, whether on purpose or not, they're talking about the most recent men in their lives. I don't particularly care about how sexy they think Hiko Seijiiro is. He was all they talked about for months after Himura's battle with Shishio, even after Aoshi-sama returned. I don't want to hear about that guy Okon met in the market who's been sending her the most romantic letters, or any of the other empty-headed nonsense those two like. This time was different, though. This time, they had actually been having a serious conversation, for once, when I walked past the kitchen that night.  
  
The Aoiya had closed, supper was over, and everyone was going their separate ways for the night. Okon and Omasu were washing dishes, and I was carrying them in from the other room. That was when I heard them.  
  
"Isn't it strange?" Okon was saying. I rolled my eyes and paused outside the door, waiting for her to tell some inane story about how her romantic letter writer was doing. I knew what would happen if I interrupted this: they'd drag me into the conversation, and then they'd try to get me to agree to let them find me a boyfriend. As if they didn't already know where my heart lies.  
  
"Isn't what strange?" Omasu asked. "Hasn't Isamu written you another letter?"  
  
"No, not that," Okon said, to my surprise. "I was just thinking about Aoshi-sama."  
  
This got my attention. After making sure that no one was in the hallway, I leaned a little bit closer to the doorway.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Well . you know, even after Himura-san brought him back to us, he's still not himself. He still hasn't been able to get past everything that happened, and it's been nearly a year now." I heard several dull clanks as crockery bumped against the metal basin. "I'm worried about him."  
  
"I think we all are," Omasu replied sadly, "Misao-chan most of all."  
  
"I wonder how much of our concern Aoshi-sama sees," Okon said thoughtfully. "I wonder if it makes any difference to him."  
  
"It's not hard to understand how he feels. His closest friends died because of him; it's no wonder time stopped for him. Grief can make people do the strangest things."  
  
Wait a minute . did OMASU really just say that? Deep-as-an-inch-of-water, wouldn't-notice-it-if-it-didn't-whistle-at-her-as-it-walked-by-Omasu? She certainly hid that side of herself well.  
  
"Still, shouldn't he have realized by now that it's time to move on?" Okon asked seriously.  
  
"Maybe Himura-san was only able to bring him partway back. Maybe someone else needs to bring him back the rest of the way, to make him part of our group again."  
  
"Hn. I wish that 'someone' would hurry up and do it. Misao-chan isn't getting any younger, and we all know she has her heart set on him and no other."  
  
"Yes. It's a pity his self control is so good, or else I'd make her parade around in front of him in skimpy outfits."  
  
Kami-sama. I'm surrounded by matchmakers. I felt my cheeks burn hot and red, I was blushing so hard.  
  
"Skimpier than her shorts?"  
  
I cringed. They both laughed at this like it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard. Their laughter did nothing to help make my flush go away.  
  
At this point, I knew I had to interrupt the conversation before it started to get worse, or they got one of their grand ideas that would ruin everything I'd ever worked for with Aoshi-sama. Besides, I still had a stack of dirty dishes in my arms that I didn't want to carry around forever.  
  
I retreated silently down the hall a little bit, then stomped back toward the kitchen so they could hear my footsteps.  
  
"Ah, Misao-chan, I was wondering when you were going to bring me those dishes," Okon said cheerfully as I walked in. "Arigatou!"  
  
"You're such a helpful girl," Omasu added, smiling as if they hadn't been discussing Aoshi-sama and my "crush" on him.  
  
I put on my normal genki grin. "I like to help, Omasu-san."  
  
Later, while I was sitting by the window on my nightly vigil for Aoshi- sama's return from the temple, I thought about what I had overheard. Okon and Omasu were right, of course. Aoshi-sama was still frozen with grief. Nothing I had said or done for him had done anything to change that.  
  
Himura had brought him back to us, but that had been the easy part. Now we had to somehow make him see how much he meant to us all, how much we still needed him. Some days that seemed impossible.  
  
I sighed and looked down into the garden beneath the window. I'd missed Aoshi-sama's arrival, but Jiiya hadn't. They were talking quietly now. Perhaps, if Jiiya distracted him enough, I could watch him for a while.  
  
The moon was full and bright, clearly illuminating the garden and Aoshi- sama's handsome features. I liked the way his raven hair shone in the dim light, how his lean frame leaned forward slightly at the waist as he sat listening to whatever Jiiya was telling him.  
  
One whole year had passed since Himura had brought Aoshi-sama back to us. Even after all that time, he still went to the temple every day to meditate. Rain, shine, tsunami, earthquake, it didn't really matter. I knew that I should at least be happy that he always came back to the Aoiya at night, but I couldn't help wondering when he was going to stop shutting us out like this. It was starting to seem to me like that was the only reason he went there: he no longer wanted to be a part of the Oniwabanshuu.  
  
I sighed, frustrated, still staring down at that frustrating man in the garden below me. And abruptly, as if he'd heard my sigh, the object of my scrutiny turned and looked straight at me.  
  
"Eep!" I squeaked involuntarily, and ducked back into the shadows. My heart was pounding so fast like a little bird's wings, and my entire face was hot with shame at being caught spying.  
  
It took me several minutes of agonizing before I realized that it was nearly impossible for him to have seen me. The room was too dark, the moon too bright reflecting off the glass. There was no way that he could know that I was there, unless he had some sort of psychic, soul-deep connection to me.  
  
I already knew that wasn't possible. After all, if we did have a connection that deep, he would know how distressed his actions have made me. He would know how much I long to make him smile, and he would have done it by now. And he would know how much my heart ached to hold him close, to soothe his pain. And . he'd know how much my body ached for his touch. Wouldn't he?  
  
Cautiously, I peeked out the window again. Aoshi-sama's attention was turned to the garden again. Jiiya was still talking, and he still appeared to be listening. I couldn't quite restrain a sigh of relief. My lapse into childishness had not been noticed by Aoshi-sama.  
  
My confidence thus restored, I returned my gaze to Aoshi-sama.  
  
I was glad that he could talk to Jiiya, if no one else. At the same time, though, I was very jealous that I was not the one Aoshi-sama seeks out to tell all his innermost thoughts. I wished that he could see me as a trustworthy enough person to open up to. If he did, maybe I could help him more.  
  
When I visited him in the temple, he would just sit there. He hardly ever said anything to me. He hardly ever looked at me anymore. I kept thinking that if only I knew what was going on in his head, then I would know the best way to approach him, to bring him out of himself and back into our lives.  
  
I sighed, resting my forehead against the cool windowpane. If only I knew what he thought of me. Did he still see the child, playing at being a ninja? Could he see the woman that I'd become? Could he see that I was capable of taking over the Oniwabanshuu, that my efforts to keep them alive had been successful? Was he proud of me for that?  
  
True, I had immediately let him resume the role of Okashira once he'd come back to us, and he'd taken it without a word. I made some excuse about how I'd never be able to fill his shoes when I told him that it was his rightful position, but that was truly how I felt about it.  
  
I did like being the Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu, but at the same time, I didn't feel right about usurping his place. I wanted him to feel like he was welcome, like he was needed again, which he truly was and still is. It just had always felt right to think of Aoshi-sama as our Okashira. Besides, all the paperwork was a real drag. I'd gotten tired of dealing with it.  
  
Yet . if Okon and Omasu were right, and Aoshi-sama couldn't move forward, then maybe he couldn't see anyone else beyond the grief. He couldn't see how much we cared about him, or how much we worried about him. So that could mean that he couldn't see that I had grown up and become a woman. Maybe he didn't realize that I really could help him, if he would just let me show him how much I truly love him.  
  
What else could this painfully sweet ache in the very fibers of my being have come from? How else could I explain why I care about him so much? I loved him, pure and simple, the way a woman loves a man. Why else would I have chased him all over Japan?  
  
"Mou!" I exclaimed aloud in frustration. "Now what do I do?"  
  
I knew how deeply he still felt the pain of losing Beshimi, Shikijou, Hyottoko, and Hannya-kun, even though he didn't outwardly show his grief. The fact that, a year later, he was still isolating himself from most of the other Oniwabanshuu was more than enough to prove how guilty he still felt. His never-ending daily trips to the temple were more than likely a part of what he felt was his atonement for the pain he had caused.  
  
But why did he continue to do this to himself? Why did he feel that in order to atone, he had to suffer like this, and to make us suffer too because we care about him? I simply could not understand it.  
  
Hannya-kun and the others, if he asked them, would tell him to stop this and live his life. They wouldn't want Aoshi-sama to hurt himself this way. And neither did I. One way or another, I had to make him stop it. I had to make him see that he was an important part of our lives, and we would not . I would not let him go so easily.  
  
I frowned down at him, noticing that Jiiya had gone back inside the Aoiya, leaving Aoshi-sama alone in the moonlit garden. I wished that I had the courage necessary to go down there and ask that stubborn baka what he was thinking. Since I didn't, I had to content myself with simply glaring at him.  
  
Somehow, for his sake and for all the other Oniwabanshuu, I had to make him see past his grief. I had to make him see that I could help him, that I forgave him, even that I loved him.  
  
Little did I know that it would be the hardest thing that I'd ever done before, or how much I would learn about myself in the process. But that's life, and life is hard. And I have heard some people say that the one you love is the mirror of yourself, or something like that.  
  
My legs were getting stiff from standing so long in one position, and my shoulders were developing knots the size of rice balls. I moved a little away from the window to stretch, never taking my eyes off of Aoshi-sama.  
  
He still hadn't moved, almost as if he knew I was watching him, and he'd stayed there to humor me in my fascination. I frowned again, wondering if he had sensed my presence. His expression, however, revealed nothing, as usual.  
  
I looked away from the window. It was possible that he would not welcome my efforts to help him. It was possible that Hannya-kun's and the other's deaths had killed something in him that could never be awakened again, no matter what I did. It was possible that he would always feel guilty for turning to Shishio, for hurting Jiiya, for abandoning the Oniwabanshuu.  
  
A few moments passed before I realized that I was crying.  
  
I ignored my tears, watching Aoshi-sama blur into shadow before I scrubbed them out of my eyes. I could not simply stand by and watch his pain slowly eat away at his soul until he died. I had to do something, even if it meant that he would be angry with me.  
  
I watched Aoshi-sama stand up slowly and turn to look up at my window again. This time I did not move, even though I thought my heart would stop. I kept my eyes on his face, waiting for some sign.  
  
I think he might have seen me. He was almost smiling, the same way he had when we were younger and he caught me spying on him. I think, that if I could have seen them, his icy blue eyes might have melted, just a little. I held my breath.  
  
Then Aoshi-sama was gone, having entered the Aoiya through the back door. I could hear his faint, nearly silent footsteps on the stairs. Clasping my hands over my mouth to muffle my shriek of surprise, I scrambled as noiselessly as possible down the hall and into my room. I had just managed to lie down on the futon and pull a blanket over me when I heard the soft footsteps coming closer to my room.  
  
I swear that my heart skipped a beat and then went double time when he paused outside my door. It thundered in my ears, and I thought that it was loud enough for him to hear out in the hallway.  
  
Had he seen me? Was he angry with me, or did he want something else? My numbed brain couldn't quite produce what that "something else" might be.  
  
After one very long, very tense moment, the footsteps continued down the hall, toward Aoshi-sama's room. I heard the rasp of the shoji sliding open and then shut, and let out a sigh of part relief, part exasperation. All was quiet once more.  
  
I have no idea what I expected him to do or say that night. I guess I just wanted him to talk to me about something, anything. I can't say that he surprised me, really.  
  
Sleep was a long time in coming that night. Since I had decided that I would do whatever it took to help him, I now had to think of something to crack through that shell of ice he'd built around himself. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy, but I had to try. I simply had to.  
  
I wanted to see him smile and hear him laugh, for once. I was tired of the quiet, frozen statue of an Aoshi-sama I'd almost become accustomed to seeing. I had to find something to make him trust me enough to open up and let me in, so that he would see that I only wanted to make him happy.  
  
I smiled. Tomorrow, I would begin the laborious task of demolishing Aoshi- sama's shield. I would be patient but persistent, and eventually, I would get past it and see the real Aoshi-sama again.  
  
I fell asleep with this thought, and my dreams were full of the future.  
  
TBC.  
  
Chapter title from Madonna's Frozen, story title from Sarah McLachlan's Fumbling Towards Ecstasy CD.  
  
Please review if you would like me to continue. 


	2. Pondering

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer. 

I turned off the "do not accept anonymous reviews" thing. Sorry; didn't know that was on. ^_^

Arigatou gozaimasu to Yashers, Mikazuki, K-chan, hatsuyuki, Lazuli Silverwing, Noa, Darkangel369, Shojin Takaru, sidra y, and Emiri-chan for your reviews. ^_^ They were much appreciated. 

Again, please correct my Japanese if you see an error. Or my English, for that matter; this hasn't been beta-read by anyone but me. ^_^

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 2: Pondering (Aoshi's POV)

Every morning I went to the temple to spend the day searching inside myself for answers, for some way to atone for all the pain I have caused. I sat in the lotus position, with my eyes closed to eliminate distractions. I breathed slowly, in and out, and let my mind relax, let it guide my meditations any way it pleased.

When I first returned to the Aoiya, after my disastrous search for the Battousai, the images never varied. For long months, it was always the same. I replayed the memories one by one, letting each terrible image once again pass before my eyes in an endless spiral of guilt, pain, and self-recrimination.

Beshimi, Hyottoko, Shikijou, and Hannya: the strongest of all the Oniwabanshuu. The circle begins and ends with these four men, my friends. They sacrificed themselves to save me, and I spat in their faces. I had thought to honor their deaths by attaining the title of the strongest warriors for them, but instead I squandered the gift they gave me. I threw it all away for my pride.

The Battousai would not kill me as I bid him to. If I could not defeat him and become the strongest warrior, then there was no point in continuing to exist. By denying me the honorable death I sought at his hands, he insulted me far greater than he realized. Kanryuu's interruption only made it worse.

I remembered the blood, the mingled scents of death and gunpowder. I remembered how it felt to watch each of them fall and die before my eyes while I remained injured and helpless, unable to protect them. Most of all, I remembered the way that Beshimi apologized to me for not being much help, just before his eyes dimmed. Never mind that his life was draining out of his body through scores of bullet holes. With his last breath, he was still worried about disappointing me. 

It is an image I will carry with me to the end of my days.

Hyottoko actually smiled before he died, the same smile he wore when I caught him belching fire rings for little Misao's amusement many years before. The expression suited his face, I thought. He had always enjoyed entertaining children more than fighting anyway. I regretted taking away one of Misao's most favorite playmates.

Shikijou was my shield. He collapsed on his knees in front of me, and did not fall even when his last breath had escaped his lips. I knew that he was a very strong warrior. I had hoped that he would meet a better end than the one that came to him.

And Hannya, brave, strong, loyal Hannya. Though his face beneath the mask was disfigured, he was still one of the finest men I have ever known. His death was the hardest of them all to bear. He was like a rock I could rest my back on in battle, cool-headed and even-tempered. I will never forget how surprised he was when I told him about the offers the Meiji government had made for me.

"And you refused them all?" he'd asked incredulously.

I had only nodded.

"Surely you didn't do this because of us, Aoshi-sama?" Hannya was suddenly very uncomfortable. "We don't want to hold you back. If you wish to -"

"I told them that all of my men would have to be given similar offers or I would not accept. They refused, and so did I. End of discussion."

So I lost them all, because my pride was more important than my men. And afterwards, when the Battousai had defeated Kanryuu, thereby denying me vengeance for their deaths, the full impact of what I had done hit me. I was beyond anger, beyond sorrow. I had no hope left.

It was easier to blame the Battousai for it all. It was so much easier to focus all of my remaining strength and will to grow stronger so that I could challenge the Battousai once more, to defeat him and take the title of the strongest warrior for the Oniwabanshuu. I thought this would be the best way to repay them for their sacrifice. It was only later that I would realize how selfish and disgraceful this was to their memory.

I do not really remember very much of what happened after that. The months I spent up in the mountains were all a blur. I know that I tended to the Oniwabanshuu's graves, and trained to put aside all morals, all reason and compassion, just so I could defeat the Battousai. Beyond that, I am not certain of what I truly did or what I merely dreamed I did. My next clear memory did not come until I saw the curs defiling the graves I watched over.

They were scum, they were trash, and they were worthless and stupid. They kept insisting that I go with them to meet their Shishio-sama. They would not leave quietly. So I killed them. I do not regret that. I consider it a public service. They underestimated me, and they paid for it. 

That was also the day that I learned that the Battousai would be going to Kyoto. Thus began my spiral into true darkness. If I was a demon before, it was nothing compared to what I became when I made that deal with Shishio. 

But, I had heard the voices of my men calling out to me. Back then, I could have sworn that they were telling me to defeat the Battousai so that they could rest in peace. Now, I am not so certain what they were trying to tell me. Perhaps it was simply to go home. I will never know now. Their voices have been silent a long time.

It was a weakness I will never forgive myself for having. I could not be weak at that time; I had to be hard and cold and so strong that I would crush the Battousai and give the Oniwabanshuu the title they deserved. 

Since Okina would not help me find him, I turned to Shishio. I thought that would give me the advantage that I needed so badly. Instead, I hurt everyone that ever cared about me: Okina, Misao, and the rest of the Oniwabanshuu I'd left behind in the Aoiya.

I nearly killed Okina. I was almost surprised to learn that I hadn't, surprised and, amazingly, grateful. It was bad enough seeing the horrified expression on Misao's face when she opened the door and saw Okina falling in a pool of his own blood.

I still remember the shock in her eyes, the disbelief and firm denial slowly being replaced by comprehension. All this I saw in the brief glimpse I allowed myself of her pale, pale face as I walked past her. I can still hear her voice, cracking with pain.

"Aoshi-sama!" *

I couldn't bear to turn around. I couldn't bear to let the laughing little girl I'd known so long ago see any more of what I had become.

"Get out of here. And never show your face to me again." *

I figured that she'd be all right without me. She had survived this long. And after I betrayed her like this, how could she not want me out of her life?

The Battousai knew differently. Oh, how his words cut through all my defenses, clean to the bone! I have never felt so much pain, having all of my weaknesses, all of my follies and betrayals thrown back in my face.

"Hannya. Shikijou. Beshimi. Hyottoko. They made your heart weak! It's not for them, it's _because_ of them you're wielding the sword of a murderer!" *

He was cruel. He was ruthlessly efficient in stripping away everything, in plunging his words like a katana into the canker eating away at my soul. The poisonous pus drained out as he clinically stepped back and watched the results of his words. And then he struck the final blow.

"Did you know this, Aoshi? Misao-dono has named herself Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. After you fought with Okina, she took on the responsibilities of the Okashira in your place to protect Kyoto and the Oniwabanshuu." *

I did not want to hear that. The last thing I had ever wanted was to have Misao involved in the business of the Oniwabanshuu. She was the light and the life of the Aoiya. I knew she was strong, though. I knew the others would protect her. But he struck again, with no more mercy than he'd ever shown me.

"Then did you know that this strong girl wept when I promised to bring you back? No matter how strong she is, she's only sixteen. She must have been desperate, in the midst of a harsh reality. There's no one else in the world who can honestly answer for those tears. Or are you still trying to run away from reality, Aoshi? Are you going to pretend you have to prove you're the strongest for those four so you can run away in death? Take back your strong heart! And call back your lost honor! The time that stopped at Kanryuu's mansion moves now! The time to awaken is now!" *

And strangely, where nothing else would call me back from beyond the brink of madness, hearing that Misao still cared for me was a beacon I could not resist. My soul was my own again.

I still fought the Battousai - no, Himura Kenshin. I lost, but it didn't matter anymore. Misao still cared for me. I dreaded returning, dreaded the response from Okina and the others when they saw me again.

It was hard, but I had to keep Himura's promise. And I was welcomed, if not exactly with open arms, by everyone at the Aoiya, even Okina, who was still covered in bandages. 

In the stir Himura's injured state provided, I was able to slip in almost unnoticed. Or so I thought. I took no more than three steps before I looked up to see Misao standing right in front of me, her huge blue eyes filled with tears. She didn't say anything, just hugged me so hard I thought my already abused ribs would crack, then released me as quickly as she'd grabbed me. Omasu called to her, and she ran off, but not before she flashed a sweet smile at me.

That smile was the reason that my meditation soon became … disturbed. In the middle of my recitation of how Hannya, Beshimi, Shikijou, and Hyottoko were killed in front of me, laughing blue eyes, the flick of a long dark braid, intrude on my quiet pain.

I remembered how I nearly killed Okina, and I heard her voice raised in laughter, calling out my name. Instead of betrayal in those deep blue eyes, I saw happiness and undying trust as she ran toward me.

And during the memory of the confrontation with Battousai, I heard the musical flow of her chatter as she sat with me in the temple a few months after I came back.

No matter what I did, I could not escape her voice, her eyes, and the vision of her, always at my side. I tried to tell myself that by allowing this, I was betraying her. She was pure and untainted, and I could not spoil that, whatever she thought she wanted from me.

The only reason that I returned to the Aoiya now became the reason why I avoided it so much. It did not stop her from seeking me out sometimes, but since I am a selfish man, I never told her to just leave me alone. I don't think I did much to encourage her attentions or her misplaced affections, but I allowed myself to enjoy her company far more than I should have.

I was fully aware that she was only seventeen, but her presence was becoming too much of a temptation to bear. I dislike confessing this weakness. It is one I will never conquer. How can I, when one look into those eyes cuts through everything, silencing the harsh words of my conscience and soothing my soul?

I sometimes found myself straining to hear her laughter, the sound of her voice from my lonely vigil in the temple. And several times, at night, I had paused outside her room, wanting desperately to look in on her as she slept. 

Only once did I give in, sliding the shoji open as silently as possible. It took all of my self-control to stop myself from entering that moonlit room. Misao was sprawled on her futon, deeply asleep, her skin bathed in silvery moonlight. I wanted to touch her, to feel her smooth skin underneath my callused fingers. I wanted this so badly that I fled before I did something that I would regret later.

I can still see that image in my mind of Misao bathed in moonlight. Even now, my heart aches with the beauty and peace of it. My arms itched to hold her close, but that was something I could not allow.

I would only cause her pain, I reminded myself firmly.

__

Aoshi-sama _…_ her voice echoed in my mind.

I shut my eyes, seeking the peace I so desperately needed to find; yet it still eluded me because of an image of Misao's body, bathed in moonlight.

I sighed very softly in defeat and opened my eyes again. There was no point in continuing my meditation today, it seemed, even though the sun was still quite high in the sky, indicating mid afternoon. I was about to uncross my legs and stand up when I felt a hand on my arm.

Startled, I looked up, wondering who could have slipped past my defenses so easily. Even when I am meditating deeply, no one can approach me without alerting me to their presence.

But there was no one there. And before I had time to wonder what was going on, I felt a tug on that same arm. Suddenly I was rising into the air, and the steps down from the temple were rushing past me. I sensed somehow that I was not in danger, so out of curiosity, I let the unseen force take me where it wanted me to go.

At the bottom of the stairs, a gentle, warm white light engulfed me. It felt like all of my sins were being washed away by the light, like all the darkness of my soul had been illuminated, and it was all right.

I found myself standing in a field that I knew very well. Years and years ago, I had come here to train alone. More often than not, I was accompanied by what Shikijou called my "little shadow" - a young Misao, practicing her ninja spying skills. She was always amazed that I could always sense her presence. I never had the heart to tell her that she probably shouldn't have worn that gold band on the end of her braid if she was going to play with her hair as she spied on me. She always picked the same tree to sit in, and the sun would always wink at me from the wrong direction, reflecting off the shiny gold band.

Now, the purple and orange streaked sky marked the impending arrival of nightfall, and there were several lanterns hung on poles around a small wooden target in the middle of the field. I stared up at the sky, wondering how long I had been engulfed in the light.

Several rhythmic thumps brought my attention back to the target. A slender girl with a very distinctive braid was practicing with her kunai on the target. The form she used was as familiar to me as the girl herself. She had learned it from Hannya, just as he had learned it from me.

Misao.

I was peculiarly unsurprised to find myself there. It had been a long time since I had had the chance to observe Misao's training, but I was not disappointed. I watched her as she flipped expertly through the air, her kunai flashing in the fading sunlight, striking the center of the target.

She landed gracefully, eyeing the target with a smile of satisfaction, and stepped forward to retrieve her small knives. Suddenly, she paused, and looked straight at me. She looked startled for a moment, and then she beamed. Her whole face lit up like the sun.

"Aoshi-sama," she greeted me happily, almost bouncing on her toes in her excitement. "Gomen nasai. I didn't realize that you were there."

I couldn't speak. I felt myself drawn toward her. Resisting that pull never even occurred to me, nor would I have wanted to if it had. Misao was so bright, so cheerful, so beautiful and open … everything that I was not. I moved forward, helpless to deny the lure of her flame even though I feared my touch would extinguish it.

Misao's smile faltered as I drew nearer, and her expression grew faintly concerned. "Aoshi-sama?" she asked hesitantly as I came even closer. "Daijoubu ka?"

I stopped mere inches from her, looking down into her beautiful, worried face. I felt as though my soul was laid bare before her eyes, like every emotion, every thought was set out in the pages of a book. I had never felt this way before, but it was … exhilarating. I felt so free watching her read those pages in my soul. I could not have stopped this even if I had known how.

"Aoshi-sama?" Misao asked again almost breathlessly, her eyes wide with awe. Hope caught fire deep within her eyes.

In answer, I raised one hand and caressed her cheek. It was warm and smooth and reassuringly solid under my touch. I bent my head to her upturned face, unable to stop myself, and brushed her achingly sweet lips with my own.

It was sheer bliss, and I was barely touching her. After an eternal moment I never wanted to end, I pulled back slightly. All of the emotions I had tried so hard to repress burned fiercely in my breast as I watched Misao's reaction.

Her eyes were still closed, and her entire body trembled.

Reason reasserted itself. This was wrong, I told myself. I should not have forced myself upon her like this. She would never forgive me …

And then she opened her eyes, and the flame of hope burst into a conflagration of joy. She was … smiling. For the life of me, I couldn't think of why she would be smiling at me like that. Hadn't I just tainted her?

"Aoshi-sama," she whispered softly, and it seemed she had more to say, but my fingers were trailing down her cheek.

The hand was back on my arm, the unknown force pulling me back again though every fiber of my being cried out against it.

Just one moment more, I pleaded silently. Please don't take this away from me.

Misao gasped my name in surprise as her image faded before me …

… and my eyes flew open.

I stared around wildly. No field, no Misao. I was still in the temple. The sun had slipped beneath the horizon, leaving me seated in the dark.

"No," I half moaned, half whispered. "_No_."

Was it all a dream? I could not be sure. All I knew was that my heart ached in the silence of the temple, and only one thing could cure me.

But I could not let that be.

TBC …

Please review if you would like me to continue. ^_^

Chapter title from Monica Ramos' Pondering off the Moai CD. The English translation (it's in Spanish) of the lyrics for this song are below, for anyone who is interested. It's a very pretty song.

* - dialogue taken from Maigo-chan's Rurouni Kenshin Manga Translations, available at http://www.maigo-chan.org/ruroken.htm for those of you who don't know about it and are interested. **No disrespect is intended in borrowing these lines; it simply fit well into the story.** I hope this does not offend anyone. I will give credit where credit is due. 

Pondering: Monica Ramos

Confusing thoughts

Which go through my mind

Leaving chaos in its path.

Go away

There is nothing to

Find here.

My tears will clean

All that you leave behind.

Moon, you who

Come every night, you

Are my witness.

Do you hear my heartbeats?

With a kiss

I tell you everything.

A glance

A sigh.

To touch your heart

And leave an illusion.


	3. How Would I Know?

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

By the way, the only thing I really know about martial arts is that they exist. This chapter would probably be better if I had a better understanding of kempo (or is it kenpo?). Any input from more knowledgeable readers would be appreciated. ^_^

Arigatou gozaimasu to K-chan, Noa, laughlines, Emiri-chan, Gina, Shojin Takaru, Erin, Tifa-sama, Maeve, and Yashers for your reviews. Remember that those who take the time to review get good kharma. And repeat reviewers get _extra _good kharma. ^_~

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 3: How Would I Know (Misao's POV)

Thud. Thud. Thud. Three kunai sank one after another into the soft wood of the only target I could find that wasn't being used by someone else.

Plop. Plop. Plop. Three more kunai landed in the grass in front of the target.

"Chikushou!" I hissed, and stomped forward to retrieve them. "How many years have I been doing this? It's so _easy_ with six targets. None of my kunai _ever_ touch the ground when I use _six_ targets. Why can't I get them all to hit just _one_?!"

Usually, the rhythmic thump of my knives is soothing - when I actually _hit_ the target, anyway. And usually, when I practice the kempo that the ever patient Hannya-kun taught me, it organizes my thoughts. 

Not this day, though. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. It was just one frustration after another, what with Jiiya practically swiping the last mochi ball out of my mouth (so what if it was still on the plate? I was still going to eat it!), Omasu giving me extra chores (for _no_ _good_ _reason_), and Shiro and Kuro hogging _all_ the decent targets for _their_ practice so there was only one left.

That's enough to make any ninja girl frustrated, even when she doesn't hold the fate of the one man she loves more than anything in her hands. Although, it might not have been so bad if I hadn't kept dropping my kunai all over the ground so that I had to keep picking them up.

"Well," I said to myself, "let's try this _again_."

Thud, thud, thud, thud. Plop, plop.

"Oh, for … Kami-sama, what's wrong with me?!"

Four on the target, two on the grass. At least my odds were improving a little.

I came out to this field to practice and to clear my head a little. Two days had passed since I'd made my resolution to help Aoshi-sama to forgive himself, and I still didn't have any idea where to start.

Every day that passed without helping him was another day wasted, and I was getting desperate. I couldn't ask anyone at the Aoiya, other than Jiiya, maybe, but he'd been very busy lately, working on super secret Oniwabanshuu business. All of the stuff I'd tried before to find Aoshi-sama's hidden smile hadn't worked: bringing him tea and other things, telling him silly jokes, telling him about all the stuff I did that day, etc., etc.

I tried to logically think of what would help Aoshi-sama get over - or at least come to terms with - his grief over the deaths of Beshimi, Hannya-kun, Hyottoko, and Shikijou. 

Maybe if the Oniwabanshuu could _tell_ him that they forgave him?

No, that wouldn't work. To do that, I'd have to find a priest to do a séance. I just couldn't see Aoshi-sama sitting through something like that. His grief was too powerful, too private to share in front of other people. Not to mention how hard it would likely be to find an honest priest to do the séance. The idea was intriguing, but I'd be better off finding some other way.

I noticed that the sun was beginning to set, but I had plenty of lanterns set up around the field. Jiiya would get worried if I was out much longer, but I still didn't have my solution, and I wasn't going _anywhere_ until I got all six of my kunai to hit that stupid little target in one throw.

Sighing to myself, I closed my eyes and tried once more to center myself. I tried to think of nothing but my kunai and the target and the motions I would perform to get the small knives to hit the dumb thing. I told myself not to think about Aoshi-sama and my mission to help him.

I was so absorbed in _not_ thinking about Aoshi-sama that I landed on my head and rolled onto my back in an undignified heap. Somehow my back flip had turned into a flop, and I was staring at the sky, praying that no one had seen me.

"Itai," I moaned, and cautiously raised my head to look around. Thankfully, the field was still empty, and I couldn't sense anyone's presence. "Aoshi-sama no baka," I grumbled as I stood up.

I guess I was a bit more distracted by Aoshi-sama than I'd thought. That wasn't a good thing for an onmitsu Oniwabanshuu, especially a former Okashira. I would have to regain my focus and concentration, or I'd never be able to hit the damn target.

"One more time," I muttered to myself, and closed my eyes.

I normally don't have the patience for centering myself, but I'd been making a special effort lately. Aoshi-sama had commented to Jiiya the other day that centering oneself before battle or even just practice was essential to performing at your best. If Jiiya or one of the others had said this, I would have listened, nodded, and got on with doing what I normally do. However, since this was my Aoshi-sama's word, I was much more inclined to take him seriously.

Oops. There I went again, thinking about him instead of concentrating on the target. I pulled my wandering thoughts back and took several deep breaths.

A breeze ruffled my hair, bringing the sweet scent of summer and flowers with it. Birds sang in the trees as they prepared to settle down for the night. I could see the light fading behind my closed eyelids, and I took one last deep breath.

Finally. Now I was calm and focussed.

Opening my eyes, I reached for my kunai and swiftly began moving through the forms.

Something clicked into place. I didn't know what it was, but suddenly everything felt right. I did a handspring, and heard six quick, successive thuds as my kunai finally struck the target. I grinned, quite pleased with myself.

Then, amazingly, my thoughts also clicked into place, like I'd just been waiting for the right inspiration to figure out what to do. Abruptly, my path was clear.

What I needed to do with Aoshi-sama was get him to talk to me, to tell me what was going on behind those ice blue eyes. If I knew that, then I might have some sort of a clue as to where to start with him. The problem was _how_ to get him to talk to me about it.

Aoshi-sama seemed to think he needed to suffer in silence. He wouldn't let anyone help him, not even Jiiya, his oldest friend and mentor. Somehow I had to get through his barriers and get him to open up to me.

I went through the forms again, this time a little faster. My efforts were rewarded with six more thuds, sweet music to my ears.

For all I knew, Aoshi-sama would be happier if we just left him alone to work it out all by himself. But it didn't seem like he'd made any progress in the year he'd been back with us. Maybe he was trying to find himself again, but he got stuck, and he couldn't find his way back. Perhaps it was about time that someone else stepped in to show him what to do next, as Himura had shown him how to wake up from his madness. 

If he didn't care about us, he wouldn't still be at the Aoiya. That much was certain. I just had to show him how much I - well, we - cared about him in return. If I could get him to trust me…

I walked over to the target, deep in thought. I barely noticed now that all twelve of my kunai had clustered around the center of the target.

I couldn't help but wonder where I stood with Aoshi-sama. I mean, did he think that I was an annoying child with a childish infatuation with him? Did he want me to leave him alone?

I shook my head fiercely, yanking harder than necessary on the kunai as I pulled them from the target. He hadn't said either way, whether my presence was a burden or a pleasure. Until he did, I was just going to assume that I wasn't bothering him.

Stepping back, I nodded to myself. It was better that way, especially since I was trying to help him, and self-doubt would only undermine my efforts. Aoshi-sama would sense that, and probably not take me seriously. I had to prevent that at all costs.

For the third time, I went through all of the forms again, and I did them flawlessly. I back flipped, landing perfectly balanced on my right hand, then flipped upright and threw several kunai at the target in mid-air.

I even landed on my feet with impeccable grace, smiling at the target for the first time that evening. I was definitely improving. I thought Hannya-kun would be proud of me if he could have seen what I'd just done.

I don't know what I sensed that made me turn around, but when I did, my heart skittered in my chest. Aoshi-sama was standing off to one side, watching me intently.

"Aoshi-sama," I said, surprised, and feeling not a little stupid. How long had he been there, anyway? "Gomen nasai. I didn't realize that you were there."

He began moving toward me, not so much walking as gliding soundlessly through the grass. My smile felt fixed on my face. All I could do was stare at him, my thoughts jumbling into a tangled mass in my head. He'd been watching me practice. 

Was he pleased with what he saw? Did he see me fall on my head? Was he going to ask me to spar with him? Why wasn't he still at the temple? Did he miss me? Was that why he'd come out here? How had he found me?

My smile faded as he came nearer, still silent, still watching me with the strangest expression on his face. It worried me. I'd never seen him look like that before. I'd never seen that much emotion in his eyes before, and it tore at my heart.

"Aoshi-sama?" I asked tentatively. He ignored me and took another step forward, and another, and another. "Ano … daijoubu ka?"

He stopped a few inches from me, looking down at me. I gaped at him. My awareness faded to the raw emotion shining in his normally frosty eyes, the strong lines of his face, his black hair stirring in a breath of air that I hardly felt, the faint curve of his lips…

I could not move. I felt like his suddenly intense eyes locked me into place. My own eyes grew wide with awe and wonder at the depths of emotion revealed to me in this timeless instant.

"Aoshi-sama?" I asked anxiously, watching as the blue of his eyes darkened. I could feel my heart singing over and over again: _he does love me! He does love me!_

I felt his trembling hand caress my cheek, and I let my eyes close, leaning into his touch. It was more than I had ever hoped for. I wondered inanely if I was dreaming, if I hadn't hit my head harder than I thought and knocked myself unconscious. Whatever it was, I didn't want it to end.

Then I felt his lips brush against mine so very softly. My heart thudded wildly in my chest, and I trembled all over. I could feel myself blushing furiously.

__

He loves me, he loves me!

I opened my eyes, grinning like a cat with a bowl of cream. "Aoshi-sama," I whispered softly. His fingers trailed down my cheek, and I shivered, thinking of all the nights I had awakened from feverish dreams of his touch all over me, his kisses so passionate, and his … well, never mind.

Wait a minute … he wasn't touching me anymore! I looked at him, confused. His eyes were a little wild, his hand outstretched toward me like he wanted to touch me, but someone was pulling him away. He looked tormented, like he was watching someone tear his reason for living out of his grasp.

If I'd had time to think about it, I might have been flattered. But his image began to fade, right before my eyes.

"Aoshi-sama!" I gasped, reaching for him instinctively. I almost grabbed him, but before I could, he was gone. "Aoshi-sama…"

I blinked, looking around for him, but he wasn't there. I was alone in the field, not to mention thoroughly confused.

"Now I know I hit my head harder than I thought," I groaned in despair. That's all it had been: a hallucination. I felt so cheated. It had been so real, I could have sworn that -

"Ne, Misao-chan!" Jiiya called suddenly.

I whipped around. "Jiiya, did you just see Aoshi-sama?"

Jiiya stepped into the circle of lantern light, looking at me oddly for a moment. "Not since this morning. I believe he's still in the temple."

I frowned, glancing up at the darkened windows of the temple up on the hill. I'd heard about ghosts visiting the ones they loved in the instant that they died. Was that why Aoshi-sama had looked so miserable?

A cold sliver of fear pierced my heart. No, it couldn't be! Aoshi-sama couldn't be dead. I was just paranoid, that's all. Still, it would be better if I went up there to have a look, just to make sure he didn't need anything, that he was still breathing, and not bleeding all over the floor like when I walked in at the end of his battle with Jiiya, and…Kami-sama!

"Ano, Jiiya…I have to go!" I turned and started to launch myself toward the temple, but Jiiya caught my arm.

"Just a moment, Misao-chan," Jiiya said, adroitly moving to cut off my escape route. "I need you to do me a favor."

"Jiiya," I whined, struggling in his infuriatingly strong grip, "this is _important_!"

"So is this," he replied calmly. "Would you please take this to Aoshi-sama?" He held up a tray covered with a white cloth in his free hand. "Omasu made him supper. She asked me to give it to him, but I think he'd like it better if it came from you."

I stopped struggling. "Me?" I squeaked.

"Aa," Jiiya said solemnly. "You've been brooding in your room or out practicing for two days, and I think he might be getting worried. I know he'd like to see you."

Well, it would allow me to see for myself if Aoshi-sama was all right. If he wasn't all right - no, don't think about that - if he was all right, and if I could get up the courage to ask him about what happened, then I might find out what the heck that was. I'd feel stupid, barging in there to find that he was still meditating quietly. At least bringing him his supper would give me a legitimate reason for disturbing him.

"Misao-chan?" Jiiya prodded gently.

"H-hai," I replied. "I'll take it to him."

Jiiya smiled gently. "Arigatou, Misao-chan. Don't stay out too late, ne?"

"Hai," I said, a bit more firmly this time. I took the tray and watched him head back toward the Aoiya.

Aoshi-sama _would_ be alive when I got there, or I'd go after him, drag him back, and kill him again just for doing this to me. I had promised myself to help him, and Makimachi Misao never breaks a promise.

I picked up a lantern once he disappeared into the trees, and started off in the opposite direction. It was just like Jiiya to know how I felt. It could be the opening I'd been waiting for. Maybe when I got there and found Aoshi-sama safe and alive, I'd be able to ask him about that kiss. Maybe he'd open up and tell me what was going on.

One way or another, it would be okay. I just knew it.

TBC

Want more? By all means, leave a review and let me know. ^_^ I'll be more than happy to oblige.

Chapter title from Melissa Etheridge's How Would I Know from the Breakdown CD: 

You might believe there's a paradise

In the next hello

How would I know

If you don't tell me so

If you wanted to go

How would I know?


	4. Fear

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Aoshi is _stubborn_. Please don't hate me for this. ^_^

Arigatou gozaimasu to Noa, laughlines, test, K-chan, Nye-Yen, Kitsune, Emiri-chan, Kyme-chan, and le bleuphenix for your reviews.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy 

Chapter 4: Fear (Aoshi's POV)

"A-Aoshi-sama?" Misao called tentatively as she entered the temple. The light from her lantern spilled over me, illuminating the darkness I'd been staring into for what seemed like hours.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of her voice, but I turned around as if she had merely interrupted my meditation.

Misao set the lantern on a table nearby. A faint pink flush colored her cheeks, but she strode purposefully toward me. I noticed a tray balanced in her hands, but I was concentrating on her reddening cheeks. All I could think about was that brief, sweet moment when I'd…

A dangerous line of thought. I still didn't know if it had been real, or simply a product of my strangely overactive imagination. But if it had only been a dream, why was Misao blushing so much? And if it had been real, was that why she was here now? To ask me about it?

"I brought you something to eat, Aoshi-sama," Misao said shyly, pulling the white cloth off the tray.

Oh. I was almost disappointed, and I hated myself for it.

"Arigatou, Misao," I said quietly.

She smiled brightly. It lit up her entire face.

My heart ached at her innocent smile, but I ignored it and picked up the chopsticks and the bowl of rice. I watched her closely underneath my bangs, both hoping and fearing that she would stay for a while longer.

I wanted her to stay so that I could watch her beautiful, expressive face. I wanted to listen to her chatter happily about whatever came to her mind like she did sometimes when she brought me tea. But I could never let her know what sort of affect she had on me.

I knew this was a selfish desire, but now that she was here, after what I'd dreamed, what else could I do? 

Misao did stay with me, much to my mingled relief and chagrin. She was quiet for a little while, watching me eat. That lasted only a few moments before she fidgeted almost nervously and launched into a detailed account of something that had happened at the Aoiya earlier that day.

I didn't pay too much attention to her words. I was studying her face, fascinated by the mercurial nature of her expressions, flowing from angry to happy to sad to irritated and back again in a constant stream. The musical flow of her voice provided an interesting counterpoint to the emotions revealed so clearly on her features.

Above all, I noticed that she was nervous. She was trying to cover it up by being more animated than usual, perhaps thinking that I wouldn't notice, or that I didn't know her well enough to determine her moods from her actions. 

Since I'd returned to the Aoiya, I'd had plenty of time to study her, to relearn who she was while she visited me in the temple. I doubt that she noticed that was what I was doing while I pretended to meditate after the tea things were cleared away. I think that was another reason that my meditations became disturbed so often by visions of her: I was watching her too much.

If she knew, it would only encourage her infatuation with me. I could never tell her; that would be far too great a betrayal of trust. She was only seventeen, and she should remain free to make her own choices. I was finished with that part of my life. The rest was already determined for me, and I would not change that. Soon enough her misplaced affections would fade, and adhere to another lucky soul. I would do nothing to ruin that, however much it would displease me to see her in another man's arms.

No. Displeasure was too mild a word for what that would do to me. Enrage, now that was a much better term. But I would keep silent even if it killed me to see her happy.

I couldn't bear to cause her any more pain after all I had done to her. I would never let her waste herself on me. I would never give into the temptation to keep her for myself, no matter how hard it was.

"Ne, Aoshi-sama?" Misao asked hesitantly.

My attention was instantly pulled from my thoughts to her serious expression. A sudden pang of unease worked its way into the pit of my stomach. Now she was going to ask me a question I didn't want to answer, and I dreaded this more than anything.

Her blue eyes, usually wide and sparkling with laughter, were now troubled and uneasy. My heart ached to soothe away that unease, to take her into my arms and tell her that everything would be all right. To just know that she would be near, that she would always be near…

"Hai?" I replied after a moment of silence.

Misao started in surprise when I spoke, and I winced inwardly. It was hard for her to say whatever it was she was trying to say, perhaps as hard as it was for me to hear it, and I'd just made it harder somehow.

"Aoshi-sama," she said again, and stopped. She frowned, shaking her head, and continued. "Aoshi-sama, did I…did I see you in the field?"

So it had been real. Oddly, this both comforted and disturbed me. Now what should I do? Stall for time? Make something up? Ignore her question, refuse to answer?

I stared at her. Flushing prettily, Misao dropped her gaze to her tightly clenched hands in her lap. I closed my eyes for a moment, sighing inaudibly. How could I answer that? I didn't want to outright lie to her, but if it was necessary, I would.

"Yes," I heard myself saying quietly. Kami-sama, damn my wayward tongue!

Misao's head jerked up, her blue eyes wide with some emotion that I didn't recognize and didn't even want to begin to guess at. She swallowed hard, her hands tightening their grip on each other in her lap.

"And…did you really, ano, kiss me?" Her voice trailed off in a nervous squeak, but she didn't look away.

I looked away, placing the bowl of half-finished rice back on the tray. And then I found myself nodding dumbly, precisely the last thing that I'd wanted to do. What had gotten into me? I had sworn to never hurt her this way, to never encourage her to throw herself at me and ruin her life this way, yet there I was, blindly admitting these things to her like a complete and total fool!

Yes, I was shocked to find out that it wasn't a dream, that I had really kissed her. 

Yes, I was shocked that she would be strong enough to confront me like this. 

And yes, I was shocked that my iron grip on my emotions had deserted me when I needed it the most.

But none of these things could ever excuse the damage that my simple lapse would inevitably cause. Who knew what she - 

The sudden materialization of Misao's wide blue eyes right in front of me broke off the frantic whirl of my thoughts. She was kneeling with her knees brushing my calves. I could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin cotton of my hakama.

__

She's too close.

Her hand was on my cheek, the heat of her palm burning its brand into my face with her touch. She looked so unhappy…

The need to feel her body pressed against mine, to soothe away her pain and confusion, was so overwhelming that my arms lifted to embrace her before I could stop myself.

Misao blushed deeply as I settled her in my lap. She made a small noise in the back of her throat, but did not resist when I pulled her against my chest, burying my face in her soft, sweetly scented hair. She relaxed against me with a gentle sigh, resting her forehead against my shoulder.

She smelled like sweat, grass, and sunshine. She felt like heaven.

How could one small person be so warm, so pliant and irresistible in my arms? I was trembling, but I couldn't let her go, not when I could finally know what it really felt like to hold her, instead of living with the pale shadows of dreams. 

Nothing would ever be the same again.

Very slowly, I pushed her away from my shoulder. Her eyes were trusting, expectant, and not a little confused when I leaned into her. I gave her plenty of time to reject me and pull away as I half hoped and half feared she would.

But she didn't.

A jolt of electricity went through me when my mouth covered hers. This was no mere chaste kiss a gentleman would give to his lady. This was passion, raw and unyielding. This was fire, this was betrayal, this was darkness, but oh, how very sweet…

I straightened, pulling her body with me, pressing her down on the mat. I sighed raggedly against her soft, yielding lips, kissing her again and again until those incredible lips parted to allow my tongue to slip between them.

Misao moaned quietly, twining her arms around my neck. My hands slid down to grasp her small hips, holding her writhing body still. Somehow, her legs had wrapped themselves around my waist. Her fingers were tangled in my hair, preventing my escape.

Her need matched mine. Her desire was equal to mine. And Kami-sama, was it ever intoxicating. I couldn't help myself.

And then she moaned again.

That soft, needy sound penetrated the haze of want clouding my mind. Suddenly, I remembered where I was and what I was doing.

I stiffened, and pulled away from her with a stunned gasp. Her fingers slid from my hair as I withdrew, and I could have screamed at the loss of her warmth.

But I have too much control over myself for that. I remained silent, except for my jagged breathing. I stood shakily, backing away from her.

Misao was staring at me, utter dejection in her eyes. A tear slid down her cheek, and I flinched as if she had struck me.

"Aoshi-sama, onegai…" Her voice was a mere thread of sound, but it weakened my defenses.

I couldn't let this be. "Gomen nasai," I whispered. "Misao, I can't…" A lump formed in my throat. Damn my awkwardness with words! How could I make her understand? How could I make her see that I won't let her ruin her life by wasting herself on a man like me? "I won't let you do this," I went on quietly. "I'm not worth it."

Misao's jaw dropped in shock. She stared at me for a few more seconds, then shook her head fiercely in denial. "Aoshi-sama," she started, but I had already turned to go, lest I slip ever further into this madness. "Aoshi-sama, matte!"

I ignored her frantic plea even though it tore through me far deeper than any sword could cut. I knew that any argument that she made would have me back in her arms. If I stayed to hear her out, no force on earth would be able to stop me from taking her, making her mine. Any excuse would do, and I could not allow that to happen.

I heard a dull thud, probably her fist striking the mat, just as I left the temple. I almost turned back around. I almost went back to comfort her, to ease the pain I had caused her again. But I kept walking. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.

__

Coward, an inner voice sneered. _Selfish bastard!_

I won't deny that.

__

You can't even face her now, so you run away, just like you've been running all your life. It's easier for you, isn't it? Can't handle a little emotion, can you?

I would only cause her more pain. She could not possibly be happy for long if I let myself return her feelings. I would only weigh her down, contaminate her pure soul. In time, she would see who I really am, and she would grow to hate me.

__

Rationalize away, the voice taunted. _It'll do you no good. She is the only heaven you will ever see, in this world and the next. If I were you, I'd enjoy it while it lasts._

No! I can't do that to her!

__

You're just afraid to admit that you love her. You can't risk the part of yourself that she hands out freely every day to the people she cares about. She's so much braver than you are, so much stronger. You're afraid that she'll see how much of a weakling and a coward you are, aren't you?

Stay out of it! What do you know?

__

More than you do, apparently. It chuckled nastily. _Your pride is more important than the people you love, isn't it? Even if you had undeniable proof that her love for you is true and lasting, you'd still be too afraid to let her make you happy. You are spineless, and you know it!_

No! She doesn't love me. She's too young; this will pass when she meets another more worthy of her. She doesn't love me. She can't! My love for her would only cause her pain. I am too scarred, too old, too worthless for her.

__

Pathetic, the voice scoffed. _If you can't see what is so plain before your eyes, you are not worthy of it. You will never find the atonement you seek._

And the voice was gone, leaving me shaking and confused in its wake.

Kami-sama…what was I supposed to do now?

TBC (breathe, everyone! The next chapter will be up soon! ^_^)

You have my cat and all of your lovely reviews to thank for how quickly I got this chapter written. ^_^ Keep 'em coming, and I'll keep on writing.

And the moral is: please review, and good things will happen to you! (hey, I made a rhyme.)

Chapter title from Sarah McLachlan's Fear from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:

But I fear

I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose here

In this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There's nothing I'd like better than to fall

But I fear 

I have nothing to give


	5. Wishing That

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Gee, do y'all like this? ^_^ Just remember: there is a reason that I labeled this as Romance and Angst. This isn't over by a long shot.

I may post a lemon that fits into but is independent from this story for those of you that want the graphic lemon and those of you that would rather skip the gory details. I haven't decided yet…

Look at all these wonderful people who'll be getting good kharma: Tifa-sama, tomoyo-sama, *glitterz, Emiri-chan, Kyme-chan, erin, le bleuphenix, laughlines, Chibi-Nikoru, me aka sidra, Noa, kiwiegrl, Dragon Master Lytore, and Kay-san. Doumo arigatou gozaimasu! Your reviews are what make this all worthwhile. ^_^

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 5: Wishing That (Misao's POV)

Aoshi-sama was leaving me.

I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't even think.

He'd proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he saw me as a woman, and not the child I had been. He'd shown me the merest glimpse of the depths of his passion. For once, he'd let me inside his walls, and then he'd torn away from me and slammed them back down around him.

__

Gomen nasai, he'd whispered. _Misao, I can't…I won't let you do this. I'm not worth it._

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

I watched him walk out of the temple from the floor, too stunned to react or cry out to him. A shuddering sob I barely noticed wracked my body, and I saw his fists clench just before tears filled my eyes and I could no longer see.

All I wanted was for Aoshi-sama to come back, to take me in his arms again and tell me that he hadn't meant what he said, that everything would be all right. Maybe even tell me that he loved me…but I knew that was a futile hope.

Aoshi-sama did not come back. I realized that I was crying harder than I'd ever cried before.

I finally managed to curl up into a ball. I was shaking so badly with the force of my sobs I thought I might shake my entire body apart.

Why couldn't he see that he was everything to me? How could he not know that he was worth _anything_, even more than he would ever understand?

__

Gomen nasai…

__

I'm not worth it.

"No," I moaned through my tears. "You're wrong, Aoshi-sama…"

Eventually, the pain and misery subsided to a more manageable level. My weeping subsided, and I was able to sit up again. I was so tired, so drained, but I resolutely wiped the tears from my cheeks.

I looked around, seeing reminders of _him_ everywhere: the incense smoldering in the censor, the offering on the altar, the almost fanatical neatness of the room. My gaze fell on the half-empty tray. I glanced away quickly, blinking fiercely before the tears could come again.

I refused to cry anymore. Now was the time for thinking clearly, not wasting time on such trivial and childish displays of emotion. Bawling like an infant might make me feel better, but it would not help me find a way to get Aoshi-sama to realize his own worth.

At least I knew what his problem was now. Inferiority complexes couldn't be that hard to deal with. I just had to show him how much he meant to me. 

After all, Kaoru-san had finally gotten Himura-san to marry her the same way. She'd helped him to forgive himself, and to get over that infuriating "I'm not worthy" phase he was going through. Maybe she would have some advice for dealing with Aoshi-sama. I decided to write her the instant I got back to the Aoiya.

Now, what to do while I was waiting for her response?

I sighed, and it echoed in the silent temple. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, resting my chin on top. I remembered all too well how it felt to be in Aoshi-sama's arms, with his lips on mine, his breath mingling with my own breath…I shivered at the thought.

Then I sighed again, slumping my shoulders. I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to feel his love and passion consuming me utterly as it had when he kissed me.

Obviously, Aoshi-sama felt something for me. If nothing else, his body was _definitely_ interested in mine. I'd felt that, and there was no mistaking what _that_ was. 

Okon and Omasu had been very thorough in my education about such things. It still makes me blush to remember that.

But, inevitably, something was still making him hold himself back from me. The best guess I could come up with was guilt for the deaths of Hannya-kun and the others. Or maybe he thought that he was too old for me? Or even that he thought his hands were too bloodstained to touch me? I had to find out what his reason was so I could logically argue against it or otherwise overcome it.

Subtlety was my best weapon against Aoshi-sama in this battle. I had to tread cautiously with him, stalk him like a wild creature, and tame him so cunningly that he didn't realize what I was doing. I had to find a way to outwit his defenses and work my way so far into his heart he'd never be able to live without me.

So that meant I couldn't confront him a second time, no matter how much I wanted to feel the warmth of his body against mine, the softness of his hair on my fingers, the pressure of his lips…

I shook myself vigorously to stop that train of thought. At this rate, the next time I saw him, all I'd be able to do is turn bright red from head to toe!

My eyes fell on the forgotten tray. I doubted that Aoshi-sama was hungry anymore, so I decided to take it back to the kitchen. Omasu would be annoyed that he hadn't eaten all of it after all the trouble she went through to make it. I just hoped to avoid any embarrassing questions she might ask.

"Wait a minute…" I muttered aloud, shrinking inside as something occurred to me. "What if…what if Aoshi-sama leaves the Aoiya because of what happened?" I stared hard at the tray in growing horror.

Kami-sama! What would I do if he left us again? A lightning bolt of grief and loss struck my heart hard. I could barely breathe in its wake.

The mere thought of living here without Aoshi-sama, never knowing where he was, or how he was doing, or if he was eating, was enough to make me leap to my feet. Tears were prickling my eyes again, threatening to overflow.

No! Even if he did leave again, I would go after him, and I would find him again, whatever it took.

I smiled, suddenly feeling much more at peace now that my determination had been strengthened. I wondered if I should go check to see if he was all right (just a glimpse, and nothing more). I didn't want to go searching for him just to find out that he had already left, but I had to know. I wouldn't bother him; I'd just look. He'd had enough shocks for one evening, and my head hurt from crying.

Yet something told me that it would be a mistake to leave him alone right then. And I was sprinting out of the temple before I knew it, the tray and lantern both forgotten behind me in my haste.

I didn't have far to go, surprisingly. Aoshi-sama had paused at the bottom of the steps leading away from the temple.

I saw him clearly by the light of the lamps hung along the street. I stopped about ten feet above him, uncertain whether or not to go any closer.

Aoshi-sama was no help. He didn't even move. His head was bowed, his shoulders tensed, and his hands were clenched tightly. It looked like he was fighting some strange inner battle. He did not seem to realize where he was.

"Misao," he said softly, and I jumped in surprise. "I know you're there."

I bit my lip, looking away guiltily. "Aoshi-sama?" I asked timidly. I took a few hesitant steps forward. "Daijoubu desu ka?" I stopped three steps up from him, wondering if he'd let me get closer.

"Misao…" He lifted his head at last, still not turning to look at me. "Misao, I-I need time."

I stood perfectly still, all my attention riveted to the silent man in front of me.

"Don't go," I whispered before I could stop myself. My heart ached to wrap my arms around his waist, but I didn't dare move. "Onegai. Don't leave me."

"Iie, daijoubu desu. I'm home for good," Aoshi-sama replied gently, with no reluctance in his voice at all. 

The tension drained from his shoulders as I released the breath I'd been holding in a quavering sigh of relief. He stood there for a moment, then wordlessly walked away, in the direction of the Aoiya.

The liberation I felt at those quiet, reassuring words weakened my knees. I sagged down onto the steps and let the tears come.

Arigatou, Kami-sama. Aoshi-sama wasn't leaving me. I hadn't carelessly driven him away.

I looked up at the sky, grinning up at the stars twinkling high above me like jewels in the black velvet night. I could almost imagine Hannya-kun smiling back at me from up there, or wherever he was. I knew he and the others were still watching over me, and that they would approve of my quest. If they could have, I'm sure that they would have helped me.

It wouldn't be long now. Soon, Aoshi-sama would forgive himself, and then he would see how much I loved him.

With that thought firmly in my mind, I jumped up and raced back to the Aoiya.

TBC 

Want to add your name to the growing list of people with good kharma? It's easy! Just click on the little button down at the lower left-hand corner of the screen and type a little message saying how much you're enjoying my story in the box. Even if you don't like it (although why you'd have read this far if you didn't like it is beyond me), I'd like to read your comments, so please review! ^_^

Chapter title from Jann Arden's Wishing That, from Happy Now?

Listen to my nervous laughter

Sunken deep inside my heart

My lips are dry I'm teary eyed

For you my love

I'm wishing that you love me too


	6. The Struggle Within

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Gomen nasai for taking so long. I hope it was worth the wait. ^_^

No, actually I'm not trying to kill people. I would rather you stayed around to give me more reviews. ^_^ And I haven't gotten a death-threat-review yet, but I have gotten a "continue or I'll sick Aoshi-sama on you." Does that count?

You're all spoiling me! I _never_ expected this many reviews so soon. Not that I'm complaining…keep it up! ^_^ Arigatou gozaimasu to Shojin Takaru, Nye-Yen, laughlines, Lee Jung Sook, Kyme-chan, Emiri-chan, Tifa-sama, Chri, and Sweetgrass for your reviews. ^_^

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 6: The Struggle Within (Aoshi's POV)

A week went by, and I hardly saw Misao at all. She still brought me tea, but she no longer sat with me while I meditated. She was always busy with her training, running an errand for Okina or Omasu, or just leaving whenever I came back to the Aoiya.

Even though I thought this was for the best, the way things should be, I was still…disappointed. And the more I thought about it, the more I wondered: why was she doing this? Was she trying to give me the space I had essentially told her to give me when I asked for more time? Was she just occupied with the Oniwabanshuu or the business of running the Aoiya?

Or had she found someone else?

I did not think the latter was the cause for her sudden absence. Okina would have said something to me. He would not have been able to resist the chance to taunt me about it, about how slowly I come to realize my feelings in matters such as these.

It irritates me how well he knows me, how he knows exactly what to say and what not to say to get my attention.

Strangely, even though I'm sure Okina knew what I was doing, he left me alone. I think he was hoping that I would come to some sort of conclusion on my own, and that he'd just be meddling needlessly if he interfered now. Then again, it probably helped that I purposefully evaded him by staying out in the garden until well after he had gone to sleep. 

It was very peaceful out there, in the pools of shadow and moonlight. I could see the warm glow of the windows of the Aoiya, but the light did not intrude on the darkness of the garden. And sometimes, I could see Misao's silhouette as she passed the window over the garden path on her way to her room.

My thoughts were wandering. Irritated, I firmly reined them in, forcing them back to the reason that I was sitting in the garden.

Whatever Misao's reasons for her sudden absence, I was undeniably confused. Could it be that she was trying to teach me a lesson by avoiding me as I once avoided her? Or was it revenge for leaving her in the temple, crying because I'd rejected her once again?

What else could I have done? If I'd stayed, if I had gone back to her, I would have done something irrevocable. Even a week later, sitting out in the garden like the coward I am, waiting for them to go to bed before I went in, I could still feel the softness and warmth of her body in my arms. It would not have been so terrible to go back into the temple, apologize, and take her into my arms again. 

But I could not afford to trust my self-control around her, so I left her there, crying and in pain from my abrupt rejection of her.

It's funny. Himura sought to bring me back to dry Misao's tears, but all I have done since I returned is torment her even more, bring her more tears. When will it end?

When she was younger, Misao thought of me as her Aoshi-niichan. I protected her from the bakemono in her nightmares, I helped to teach her the basics of kempo, and I spent time with her whenever I had a free moment. In every way, I acted as the proper older brother. But I never saw her as a little sister, this child that I helped to raise.

I truly did not know how I felt about Misao. All I was certain of was that I did not like to see her suffering because of me. I felt so helpless and unsure of myself remembering the cause of her tears, not knowing what I could do to make them stop without making them worse or ruining her life. Some days I wondered why I hadn't just left the Oniwabanshuu several months ago and spared myself the agony her presence caused me.

No. I couldn't do that. Even though I could never have her, even though feeling like this would drive me insane, I couldn't leave Misao again. I had already hurt her so much; I couldn't do it any more. Her tear-filled eyes would haunt me forever, no matter where I went. I'd never be able to escape them, or the fear that she might forget me.

That's what it all came down to: cowardice. I was stuck, unable to move forward, unable to find my way back. If I encouraged her, she would be tainted, but if I left the Aoiya, she would be hurt. 

I sighed. My thoughts weren't making much sense, even to myself. I looked up at the warm glow of the window above me just in time to see Misao's shadow flit past it. A moment later, the window darkened as the lamp was extinguished.

That was what I had been waiting for, but I did not move. I'd seen Okina pass the window earlier on his way to bed. Okon and Omasu were probably still out on their double date (I'd heard them tell Misao not to wait up), and Shiro and Kuro were both visiting relatives in Osaka. With Misao and Okina asleep and those four away, the Aoiya seemed practically deserted.

It would be easy to gather my few possessions and be gone in less than an hour.

It would be easy, but for my promise to Misao.

__

Don't go. Onegai, don't leave me!

So I wouldn't.

By this time, the night was growing cooler. I was getting nowhere with my frantic circles of thought, so I decided to go up to my room. Perhaps if I slept, it would help to sort out these strange thoughts.

What comes next is hard for me to tell. It is not quite the hardest thing to put into words, but I do not like admitting that this happened, that these events affected me so much.

The halls of the Aoiya were very dark, but I needed no light to find my way. I knew every creaky floorboard beneath my feet, every uneven step, and every jutting nail waiting for an unsuspecting bare foot.

As I passed Misao's room, I paused, drinking in the tantalizing scent of vanilla. Okon had introduced her to scented soaps, and for a while I smelled something different every time she came to visit me, or when I walked past her room. She'd finally settled on vanilla. I never told her, but it was my favorite scent.

Before I realized it, my hand was half way to the thin shoji. My fingers actually touched the wooden frame before I stopped myself from opening it.

Okina was a heavy sleeper, unless someone who did not belong entered this hallway. The others were not there. No one would know if I - 

No, that's not true. I would know, and this sin would damn me _and_ her to the deepest pits of hell. I backed away from Misao's room, brutally chastising myself.

This lack of control was unacceptable. It had to stop, before it was too late.

I kept seeing Misao, lying on her futon, bathed in moonlight, sleeping peacefully. Blissfully unaware of the impure thoughts in my mind, dreaming her innocent dreams…I truly was a monster for wanting her this way.

__

Misao, I-I need time.

I was such a hypocrite. I knew what I wanted. I just couldn't have it, no matter how much time she gave me.

I closed the shoji to my room behind me firmly. There. Now that I was inside and the door was shut, I would not leave the room until morning. I undressed quickly and lay down on the futon, but I had no illusions of a peaceful night's rest awaiting me. 

My return to the Aoiya had begun the nightmares, as my unconscious mind spat the darkness I engulfed myself in back in my face. Most nights I woke gasping for breath, after a dream of the awful moment in which I turned from Okina's battered, bleeding body at my feet and met Misao's horrified blue eyes.

Most of my confusion and uncertainty came from these nightmares. Every night, Misao's eyes accused me in my dreams. _You killed him, _they screamed louder than words. _You killed Jiiya! Traitor! Coward!_

Yet every day, Misao smiled at me when she brought me tea. She talked and laughed, and her blue eyes sparkled with life. She told me silly jokes (well, she thought they were silly - I suppose that's what counts) to make me smile, did silly things to make me laugh, and told me stories to involve me in her life.

I did not understand. The sharp contrast between dreams and reality was beginning to take its toll on me. My conscience identified more readily with the Misao that blamed and reviled me, but the other Misao still cared, had even kept me on a pedestal all these years. I did not know which one to believe.

Without question, the other Misao posed the bigger threat. She was the one who stirred the emotions that I didn't want to feel, much less acknowledge. She was the one who uprooted my defenses with one look, the one who tore down my barriers with a simple touch. I had only kissed her once, but I was afraid to think of what would happen if I kissed her again. If she ever learned how much power she had over me…I did not know how much longer it would be possible to protect her from myself.

My eyes slowly drifted shut, and I was suddenly walking down an unfamiliar road. The narrow track cut through a bamboo forest, leading toward the setting sun. I could hear the wind singing in the trees, but other than that it was silent.

The long wooden sheath containing my twin kodachi was in my left hand. I was wearing my trench coat, and I could feel the wind tugging at the lapels, trying to force it open. The breeze caught and shifted my hair enough to reveal Misao walking next to me.

For a moment I watched her out of the corner of my eye. Her pretty face was uncharacteristically grim, and both of her hands were filled with kunai, the little sharp knives she combined so well with Hannya's kempo. Strangely, this did not concern me.

"Stay close," I cautioned her. Somehow I knew it was important that she not leave my side, though I could not say why.

"Hai," Misao replied, her voice subdued.

I could feel something coming, something hidden in the shadowy bamboo trees. The forest was rapidly darkening, the sun slipping beyond reach below the horizon.

No matter, I thought, drawing first one and then the other kodachi from the sheath. I'll protect her. I won't let her suffer anymore.

We kept walking; growing more and more uneasy with each moment that passed. Neither of us dared to speak. The only sound was the wind in the trees.

Suddenly, several shadowy, black-clad ninja burst from the trees. They surrounded us, eerily silent. Each one brandished a katana, and the blades were glowing red in the dying sunlight.

Instinctively, I stepped in front of Misao, shielding her with my body. She put her back to mine, and we tensed, waiting for the inevitable attack.

"Forgive me, Aoshi-sama," a strangely familiar voice I couldn't quite place seemed to whisper from nowhere and everywhere at once, "but this is necessary…"

There was no time to ponder the meaning of this. As if the voice was some sort of cue, the ninja leaped forward like liquid shadows, their blades poised to strike. I raised my kodachi to counter them, slashing and kicking at the things that fought and moved like demons, making no sound at all as they were sliced open like rotted fruit.

They kept coming, their black-clad bodies thick as a swarm of flies. For every one I felled, two more took his place. I realized after a few moments that they were trying to separate me from Misao - and they were succeeding.

I paid little attention to the amount of ninja coming at me and falling easily underneath my kodachi. My mind was consumed with panic, for I could no longer see Misao. I could hear her angry shrieks and occasional cries of pain, but I no matter where I looked, she was not there. The need to be by her side was overwhelming.

And then I heard her cry out in anguish, "Aoshi-sama, tasukete!"

My eyes widened. An icy shaft of pure terror sliced through my heart. No. This was not happening. I would not lose her so easily.

The horde of ninja was abruptly gone, leaving only the bodies of their dead behind in broken heaps like discarded toys. I spun around, scanning the carnage for Misao.

I found her curled in a spasm of agony, her slender body covered in blood and several large gashes. I was too late. She was already dying.

"Misao!" I could not stop myself from reaching for her, even though I knew that if I touched her it could only make it worse.

"Aoshi-sama…" she half-whispered as I gathered her crushed body in my arms. "…tasukete…" The light was already fading from her brilliant blue eyes.

"No," I moaned. "No! _Misao, don't leave me!_"

The next thing I knew, I was sitting up on my futon. Cool moonlight streamed in through the window, gently illuminating the room. My heart pounded against my ribs, my head ached, and my breaths rasped in my throat.

It had just been a dream.

"Aoshi-sama!" The shoji rattled violently as it was slid open, and a wide-eyed Misao was instantly at my side. "Aoshi-sama, daijoubu?"

I didn't want her to see me like this, drenched in sweat and shivering like a small child in the cold air. I didn't want her to notice the tears I could feel tracing icy paths down my cheeks. She would think me weak and helpless, an infant frightened by a mere dream, if she saw them, and she would know that the invincible façade I had worked so hard to maintain was all a lie. 

I shrank away from her small hand on my arm, realizing that I must have cried out loudly enough for her to hear me all the way down at her end of the hall. I just hoped that Okina had not heard me too - that was almost worse than having Misao run to comfort me like this.

Never mind that the dream felt so real. Never mind that I could still see the light fading from her eyes, the blood staining her creamy flesh, pooling in her dark hair…

Misao muttered something I didn't quite catch, and the morbid images receded. I stared at her in amazement. Her voice had banished the demons, but she didn't seem to notice that my heart had ceased its reckless pounding, that my breathing was calmer, more focused. Her presence should be a nuisance; instead it was a soothing balm to newly opened wounds. The relief shuddering through my body was a heady sensation, but I would not tell her that.

She knelt beside me and put her hand on my cheek. I couldn't help but gasp at the scorching warmth of her palm on my chilled skin, and my hand raised to trap hers instinctively. 

It was like her heat burned through the layers of ice suffocating me. I was so tired of being cold. Surely it was all right, just this once, to let her warmth blanket me. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way about anyone. I would not let this go yet.

"A-Aoshi-sama?" Misao asked tremulously.

"I'm all right," I whispered to hide the quaver in my own voice. My breath spilled over her hand, and she shivered. "It was only a dream."

"You…you called my name," she blurted, and flushed a brilliant scarlet. "You told me not to leave you. I-I mean…" She trailed off on a squeak, apparently unable to look at me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Iie," I said vehemently, inwardly cursing myself. Would I never regain my control? Of all the times to cry out in my sleep, why now?

But at the same time, I was wondering when this vision of Misao would vanish, leaving me with the reality of her lying dead in my arms. I wasn't entirely convinced that this Misao was really here. Why should fate be so kind to me now? What have I ever done to deserve any sort of kindness from the sweet creature kneeling next to my bed, blushing as she tried to comfort me?

I looked at her, and my throat closed shut. She was so embarrassed, so endearingly earnest in her concern. It humbled me, that she could feel this way about a wretch like me. What did she see in me that I couldn't? Was she so blind to the monster within me?

"Nani?" Misao asked self-consciously after a moment. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

She pulled back a little, shifting her hand beneath mine as if to take it away. Her withdrawal, however slight, left me feeling cold and empty inside. It was too much. I couldn't let her go.

"Misao," I said, and she froze, looking at me with wide, trusting eyes. I swallowed hard. "Gomen nasai. I-I couldn't protect you…" 

The memory of her broken and bleeding body surfaced briefly, and I pulled her warm, lithe form against mine to make it go away. This had to be real, I told myself. Please, Kami-sama, just once, let this be real…

Misao's arms came around me, the gentle pressure of her embrace cutting off my frantic thoughts. It replaced the bloody image with one of Misao, safe and happy, in my arms. I sighed into her hair, relieved. Finally, the nightmare was gone.

"Daijoubu, Aoshi-sama," Misao murmured soothingly. "Like you said, it was just a dream." She held me tightly, leaning her head on my shoulder with a faint sigh.

She smelled wonderful. Her small body was so warm and soft. I never wanted to let her go. But I had to tell her…

"I failed you, Misao," I whispered. "So many times…"

"Iie, Aoshi-sama," she whispered back, and I could tell that she was smiling. "I'm all right." She pulled back a little in my embrace to look into my eyes. Her hands cupped my face, holding me still. "I'm safe. You don't need to worry." She let her fingers slide down my face in a soft caress, then dropped her hands to her lap.

I let myself look at her now, realizing that she was straddling my legs. My arms were still around her waist, cradling her gently. The thin cotton yukata she wore clung to her curves provocatively, tantalizing me with hints of soft breasts and slender hips. Her long hair was free of its customary braid, streaming in dark waves over her shoulders.

My eyes trailed up to her face, noting that she was staring at me, a pretty flush still suffusing her cheeks. Her slightly parted lips caught my attention, so soft and inviting.

I reached up to push a stray lock of her silky hair behind her ear, letting my fingers graze the soft skin of her cheek. Misao shivered at my touch, and her eyes never left mine. My other hand cupped the back of her head, tilting it back slightly.

"Aoshi-sama," she breathed just before my lips met hers. She moaned softly, arching against me.

Sweet, searing pleasure swept through me at that innocent caress. She wasn't rejecting me, and I wasn't strong enough to even think of pushing her away. My blood hammered in my ears, and I pulled her up against me with the desperation of a drowning man.

What can I say? I am human, after all, in spite of all I've done to try not to be. She was so soft, so willing and warm, how could I not claim her? She fit perfectly against me, like we were made for each other.

The rest you do not need to know. Suffice it to say that it was the most beautiful night of my life, and that I never wanted it to end.

But the sun always rises the next morning, and last night's choices do not always look the same in the dawn's light.

TBC…

Inieda-sama…I like that. ^_^

Chapter title from Metallica's The Struggle Within. I forgot what album this song came from. (If you haven't noticed, I have very eclectic taste in music - I hope that means I don't run out of songs to use for this…)

So many things you don't want to do

What is it? What have you got to lose?

What the hell

What is it you think you're gonna find

Hypocrite

Struggle within it suits you fine

Struggle within your ruin

Struggle within you seal your own coffin

Struggle within

The struggling within


	7. Total Eclipse of the Heart

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

I am deviating from the original story line a bit, so if you notice discrepancies, that's why. I suppose you could consider the timeline post-Kyoto arc with very little mention of the Jinchuu arc, but post-Jinchuu works too. ^_^ 

Bless you, all you wonderful people who reviewed last time: K-chan, Nye-Yen, Noa, Kyme-chan, Sweetgrass, Tifa-sama, lebleuphenix, Chibi-Nikoru, Emiri-chan, bell, saicho-18, Meiyume, and the nameless reviewer who threatened to lock me up until I wrote more. ^_^ Woohoo! 68 reviews! I love you guys! *sniffle*

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 7: Total Eclipse of the Heart (Aoshi's POV)

Have I mentioned that I'm a coward? I do not deal with change very well. I never have. I would have been quite content to have things remain the same as always between Misao and myself, but it seemed as though fate had conspired against me once more. 

It felt too good to wake up and find Misao still asleep in my arms, her unbound hair spread all over the blanket, the futon…me. She had wrapped herself around me somehow, burying her face in my chest.

She has never been a quiet sleeper. In fact, she was snoring, and that was what woke me up. And, disconcertingly enough, it did not bother me. I was too busy appreciating the fact that for once I was not alone in my bed.

This was the point where the haze of sleep wore off and all the pieces clicked into place: the nightmare, calling out to Misao (however involuntarily), the confrontation, and then…

Kami-sama, what a mess! I could hardly expect her to just let me go back to my quiet, solitary life of meditation. It wasn't fair to her, and I did not doubt that she would say so herself if I was stupid enough to suggest it. Nor could I bear to tell myself that it was wrong, that I should have somehow found the strength to make her leave me to fight my nightmares alone.

Nor was I certain that I really wanted to be alone anymore.

So, keeping that in mind, I wondered what came next. Was I supposed to court her? Ask her to marry me?

I squelched that train of thought quickly. What did I have to offer her? Two bloody kodachi and the equally stained hands that wielded them, that's what. Nothing an innocent young girl like Misao would ever want. Sooner or later, she would meet someone more worthy of her, and that would be the end of that. I would have to let her go.

Carefully, I disentangled myself from her sleeping form. She muttered something sleepily and snuggled into my pillow, quieting once more. I watched her helplessly for a long moment before I made myself pull the blanket over her, shielding her perfect pale skin from my eyes, and turn away as I got dressed.

Then, like the coward I am, I left my room and the sleeping girl on the futon as quickly and silently as I could. I knew it was stupid, I knew it would hurt her to wake up and not find me there, but I needed to think, and the only place I could do that was in my sanctuary, the temple.

Kyoto's streets were already full of people, some going to the market or other various errands, some just opening their shops. I could hear women's voices as friends called out to one another, and men's voices raised in laughter and good-natured bickering all around me. I gritted my teeth and walked faster, trying not to look up, as if they would find out what I had done to Misao and turn against me. 

Ever since I returned to the Aoiya, I have tried to avoid crowds as much as possible. The time I spent training to defeat the Battousai in the mountains only increased my hatred of large amounts of people around me. Normally I would leave for the temple so early that most people were still asleep, and then go home after sunset when the streets are once more empty.

Sadly, it wasn't possible to avoid them on this of all days. The smells of cooking meat and vegetables, bread and sweets combined in a sickening stench with the press of the crowd, making it that much worse. I longed desperately for the simple, sweet smell of incense and the solitude of the temple. My head was spinning, but I kept my eyes on the road.

Suddenly, the blessedly deserted temple steps materialized in front of my eyes, and I couldn't help but sigh with relief. I climbed them eagerly, taking them two at a time. With each step, I felt the panic slipping away.

Even better, the temple itself was empty too. Now I could relax and go about my normal, daily routine, to bask in the quiet peace of my haven.

But the problem was, I couldn't settle down. I tried to sit in my usual spot and go through the meditation exercise that I always use, but I was too full of anxiety to think clearly. There were so many things that could happen because of that night and this morning. Misao could hate me, I could have ruined everything for us by running away, or…who even knew? 

After a few minutes, I stood up and began to pace. It didn't really help, but at least I could expend some nervous energy. I needed to get it out of my system before someone came to the temple for whatever reason and saw me doing this.

And then I heard it: footsteps, someone running up the temple steps, and a familiar voice crying out my name. Quickly, I sat down again as if nothing was wrong, but apprehension clenched in a cold knot deep in my belly. It was Misao. I had known it the moment I heard the footsteps.

Kami-sama! Why couldn't she have slept longer? How could I face her so soon? This was why I had come here, damn it.

"Aoshi-sama," she gasped, and I braced myself for her anger, her tears, even though I knew I would never be able to push her away again.

But if _she_ pushed me away…I would let her go, I decided. It was better that way.

I turned around slowly, and my breath caught in my throat. She stood in the doorway, clutching her side and panting as if she had run all the way from the Aoiya, which she most likely had. The sun was behind her, illuminating her entire body. Her midnight hair shone darkly, her skin fairly glowed, and her beautiful eyes sparkled. She looked like an angel.

"Aoshi-sama," she repeated, straightening, and I nearly flinched, expecting an angry tirade. "The Himuras are coming today for a visit, so I need to go to the train station to meet them, but Jiiya said that he doesn't want me to go alone, and he and the others are all busy with the restaurant and everything, so he told me to ask you to come with me."

Amazingly, she got all that out in one breath. I blinked at her behind my long bangs before I realized what she had said. Not _yelled_ or _screamed_, just _said_. Then it took me a moment to process the fact that she didn't seem angry at all. Just anxious, hopeful, with her small bottom lip caught uncertainly in strong white teeth.

"Their train should be here any minute," Misao added, lowering her eyes, but not before I caught the brief flash of hurt in them. "I wrote Kaoru-san to ask her something, and the bird with her reply got lost in a storm. It didn't get here until this morning, so I didn't know until a few minutes ago that they were coming."

What was so urgent, I wondered vaguely, that Himura Kaoru would drop everything and come to Kyoto? I had a strange, unexpected pang of jealousy at that. Why did she seek the aid of an outsider? Why couldn't she have just asked one of the other Oniwabanshuu, or even me? 

The only explanation that made sense was that she had asked something about me, something that Jiiya and the others couldn't answer. The very thought made me uneasy.

"Aa. I will accompany you," I agreed before I knew what I was doing. I nearly bit off my tongue, but she smiled radiantly, blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil.

This time, there were at least twice as many people thronging the streets, all chattering at once. I had no time to ponder Misao's strange behavior as I followed her, watching her carefully, trying to shut out all the noise. It was easier now, because she was there, turning around to smile at me or to tell me some mindless bit of gossip she'd overheard as we wove through the mass of people. She was my anchor to serenity, and she didn't even know it.

It occurred to me that I should tell her that. It was important, so I should simply find the words and say them. But now was not the time. We had arrived at the station just in time to see first Himura Kenshin, then his wife step out of the newly arrived train with their infant son in her arms.

"Kaoru-san!" Misao shrieked with delight and hurled herself at the older woman. 

"Misao-chan, you're looking so well!" Himura-san said, grinning as she shifted the baby in her arms, catching Misao in an one-armed embrace.

"Misao-dono," Himura said quietly, a serene smile on his lips. "It has been so long since we last visited that I hardly recognized you."

"Himura, I'm so glad you could come," she said, her eyes shining with happiness. "And you brought Kenji-chan too!" Misao squealed, pulling back to get a better look at the child. "Aren't you a handsome little boy?" she cooed.

Kenji, the spitting image of his father right down to the color of his eyes, giggled at the ninja girl and turned his face into his mother's shoulder shyly.

"Mou!" Himura-san exclaimed in mock frustration. "How can I show you off if you're hiding?"

All three of them laughed at this, and even Kenji smiled, as if appreciating the joke.

I hung back a little, watching as Misao fawned over Himura's son, not wanting to intrude, and feeling out of place. I could leave now; my duty to her was discharged, and she would be safe enough walking back to the Aoiya with the Himuras.

I might have been able to unobtrusively slip away, but as luck or fate would have it, Himura's sharp purple eyes met mine, as if he sensed my thoughts. He smiled an enigmatic little smile, bowing respectfully. Caught, I returned the gesture with a nod and stepped forward.

"Aoshi," he greeted me. "It is good to see you again." 

"Himura," I replied calmly, though inwardly I felt like a pupil who has betrayed his master. 

Himura-san noticed me then, and smiled politely. "Shinomori-san," she said, nodding. 

I returned the gesture, and she and Misao swept past me chattering away. Himura fell into step beside me as we followed them from the train station into the street. I hardly noticed the crowd around us, for the slight, short red-haired swordsman's presence had thrown my emotions into a chaotic jumble of guilt and near despair.

It was ridiculous, but I couldn't help wondering if I had disappointed him somehow. He was the man who had needlessly had worn himself down and risked his own life with my challenge, when he still had to fight Shishio. He could have refused me, but instead he chose to stay and give me back my honor, my sanity, and my life. 

I can never repay him for that, even in a thousand lifetimes. But the only thing he asked in return was that I go back to the Aoiya to answer for Misao's tears. I still haven't managed to make them stop.

Maybe I had failed him, and far worse than I had ever thought possible. What I had done was unforgivable, even for her pure heart. Wasn't it? She had acted so strangely in the temple, like she wasn't angry at all. Like it didn't even matter…

"We cannot stay for too long," Himura was saying as we walked. "Yahiko is watching the dojo for us. He cannot handle so many students at once just yet, but he has been doing well enough since the baby was born. And three more students signed up just yesterday morning. Kaoru was thrilled."

"That is very good news," I respond politely. I watched Misao for a moment. She was holding the child as she and Himura-san traded stories about their lives.

I thought she would like to have children. Just seeing her with Himura's son, and how tenderly she looked at him…

She was a grown woman. She should have been married long ago, and she should have a pack of children following her around. Why was she still with the Oniwabanshuu? Why hadn't she given up on me?

"I do hope that we can have tea again while I am here," Himura went on.

"It would be my pleasure," I said, as I could hardly refuse. I had hoped that we would never have to go through that again, the first time was so awkward. I was abrupt to the point of being rude, and I'd done it to save my own pride.

I cannot express the sheer gratitude that I feel to this man for what he has done for me. There is absolutely nothing I can do; I can't even think about simply saying "thank you" without getting uncomfortable. And I feel guilty for not being able to thank him in words, which only makes it worse. Any small action I have taken to show how much our fight meant to me, such as having tea with him, seems so trivial as to be laughable.

Suddenly, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Two men stood in an alley between two shops, arguing. I had never seen them before. They were too far away for me to hear what they were saying, but one of them pointed straight at Misao, gesturing angrily.

"Trouble?" Himura asked almost without moving his lips. He was smiling as if not paying attention to the men, but his hand was on the hilt of his sakaba-tou.

"Perhaps." I watched them, letting my eyes glare a warning at them. I did not know what their problem was, but if they tried to harm my Misao, they wouldn't last a heartbeat.

I'd rip their intestines out myself.

Then one of the men, catching my gaze for just an instant, clamped his arm firmly on the shoulder of the other man and dragged him out of sight.

"They seem to be moving on," Himura said amiably, glancing at the oblivious Misao and Himura-san. He relaxed a little, dropping his hand from his sword.

"Let's hope they don't come back," I murmured.

I made a mental note to go through some of the paperwork Okina had been piling up on my desk. I'd been letting it slide recently because of my confusion regarding a certain onmitsu girl, but it was time I looked at it. There could be something in it that would tell me who those two men were.

If not, then I needed to find some other way to learn their identities and their grievance with my Misao.

Whatever happened to us, I vowed, I would never stop protecting her. I would never leave her again.

Maybe that would help me find a way to stop her tears forever.

TBC

Hey, all, I just wanted to let you know that this story is also posted at Mir-san's web site, Tales of the Meiji Era, a Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction archive which you can find at http://tfme.net/tfme. Arigatou gozaimasu, Mir-san!

In case you're wondering, the reason this chapter and the last one are in Aoshi's POV is because I wrote a lemon version of chapter 6 in Misao's. If you're curious, it's called Come Undone, and you can find it on my profile on FanFiction.net.

And thank you Noa, Kyme-chan, lebleuphenix, The Wanderer, Sweetgrass, Bumblebee-Queen, and alost_Cause for reviewing Come Undone. ^_^

Chapter title from Jim Steinman's Total Eclipse of the Heart, as sung by Bonnie Tyler.

Once upon a time I was falling in love 

But now I'm only falling apart.

There's nothing I can do 

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life 

But now there's only love in the dark.

Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart


	8. Tears From the Moon

See chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Oh dear. I'm terrible! Has it really been _that_ long?! Um…was it worth the wait?

Now that I have been sufficiently shamed, here is the next chapter. I make no promises, but I'll try to do better from now on. I am hard at work on chapter 9 as you read this. ^_^

****

NOTE: I don't have a mailing list (never thought I'd need one), but if you want me to email you when I update, let me know in a review or email me at ladyinieda@yahoo.com. 

I have two special 'thank you's to give out. The first goes to my wonderful and patient friend and beta Sweetgrass for your advice and encouragement and in general putting up with my rambling. ^_^ 

The second goes to Destiny for the emailed motivation to get my lazy butt to work. Sorry it took so long. ^_^

And thank you: EneriRenie, The Wanderer, Kyme-chan, Neko-chan, me me me and only me, Sweetgrass, lebleuphenix, lost cause, Mai, Maxelle, pratz, CardMisstressSakura, birdboy2000, Noa, bishlov, Cat H, DarkHorse1, sobakasu, Okashira Paige, Maylar, Azn Anime Artist, Dominique Genocide, Gracelyn, Barb, xoxo, dacrayzblaze1, Lady Nightshade, Aya8, Cataluna and Yunalesca Leyline Takami. Your reviews made my day. ^_^

Shutting up now.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 8: Tears from the Moon (Misao's POV)

You think you know a person, if you've loved them since before you could even walk. You think you know what they will do, how they will act in certain situations, because you've known and loved them _forever_, practically. Maybe they have some faults, but it's not a big deal. You love them, and they love you, right?

I wanted to wake up in Aoshi-sama's arms. I wanted him to smile at me and kiss me good morning. I wanted so many things…

But he left. 

I should have been angry. I should have raged and stormed at him and demanded to know why he left me. Instead I was numb. I was hollow and empty, rejected yet again even after I knew how much he needed me.

I thought that loving him would be enough. Perhaps this was childish and stupid of me to believe; people are much more complicated than simple wishes like mine would have them be.

Either way, I'd brought this on myself, and now I had to endure it.

"I can't believe how much better the reputation of the Kamiya dojo has got in the past few months," Kaoru-san was gloating in the midst of my self-pity trip. "I have eleven students now - _eleven_ - including the three that signed up just before we left! People are finally beginning to forget about the false Battousai, and a few of my old students are talking about coming back, too."

"That's wonderful, Kaoru-san!" I beamed, but I wasn't really listening.

It was sheer torture, walking with Kaoru-san, trying to stay focussed on what she was saying while smiling and pretending that a certain tall, dark-haired Okashira that I'd spent the night with wasn't walking right behind us. I could feel every step he took, every quiet word he said to Himura jab me like a needle through my heart.

How could I concentrate when he was right _there_, pretending that nothing had happened, like he had not been affected at all?! Grr! It made me so mad I wanted to scream and rant and rave, but I knew that would only get me an expressionless stare out of Aoshi-sama and several funny looks from Himura, Kaoru-san, and everyone around us.

That would not help my quest to unfreeze Aoshi-sama and make him love me. In spite of his actions this morning, I was still determined to follow through with my plans. I'd got this far - no sense in stopping now, ne?

Even if last night was the most beautiful night of my life. Even if Aoshi-sama was being a baka about the whole thing by first abandoning me before I woke up and then refusing to look directly at me. Even if obsessing about it was making me miserable.

When did things get so messed up?

"Here, Misao-chan," Kaoru-san said suddenly, her blue eyes warm with affection and, strangely, compassion, as if she sensed my inner turmoil. "My arms need a rest."

And with that, I suddenly had an armful of Kenji-chan. He stared up at me with wide, clear violet eyes, like he wasn't sure about me. Then he smiled brilliantly, fisting his small fingers around two of mine.

"Don't worry," I told him cheerfully, grinning at him in return. "I'm your Auntie Misao, and we're going to have lots of fun spoiling you while you're here, aren't we?"

Once we got back to the Aoiya, Jiiya and the others came out to greet Himura and Kaoru and ooh and ah over Kenji-chan, who was definitely a big hit with Okon and Omasu.

"Oh, aren't you just the most cutesy-wutsey little baby?" Okon crooned when it was her turn to hold Kenji-chan. She bounced him gently in her arms, and he giggled.

"How adorable!" Omasu cooed while Kaoru grinned with obvious pride. "He's a miniature version of Himura-san!"

"You're so lucky, Kaoru-san!" I said, not quite able to completely erase all traces of wistfulness from my tone. If Aoshi-sama and I ever had children…would they look more like him or me? 

Thankfully, only Kaoru-san seemed to really notice it; Okon and Omasu were distracted by Kenji's giggles as they tickled him. Her blue eyes narrowed slightly, and a thin line appeared between her brows as she cast a brief glance at me, but she said nothing.

"Yare, yare, what are we doing out here when there are important guests to entertain?" Jiiya said suddenly, breaking off the quiet conversation that he'd been having with Aoshi-sama and Himura. I'd been straining to hear them from Kaoru's side without letting on that I was trying to eavesdrop, but, damn it, they were speaking too softly for me to hear!

"Forgive our rudeness, Himura-san," Jiiya continued, smiling sheepishly. "You and your wife must be tired from your journey. Please, come in and refresh yourselves."

"Arigatou gozaimasu, Okina," Himura said, inclining his head.

Kaoru reclaimed Kenji from Okon. "That is very kind of you, Okina-san."

Jiiya smiled and gestured for them to precede him past the sign on the front door that said "Closed for family reasons."

I followed Kaoru-san inside, glancing back at Aoshi-sama just in time to see the furtive glance he threw in the direction of the temple, and my heart sank. Himura and Kaoru-san had come so far to see us, taking time from their busy lives. I knew he would rather be meditating than visiting with the rest of us, but couldn't he just be normal and social for one day? 

Jiiya noticed it too. "Aoshi," he said, meeting the okashira's impassive gaze calmly. He jerked his head once in the direction of the Aoiya, and then I had to turn around before I bumped into something and made a fool out of myself.

A joyful thrill shivered through me. Aoshi-sama was staying! It was almost like Jiiya knew that I wanted him to stay, or maybe he just thought that Aoshi-sama could benefit from being around people for a while. Come to think of it, that was probably why he made me ask Aoshi-sama to go to the train station with me. Whatever the reason, he was staying, and I felt like skipping.

I might have, too, if I had not remembered that I was still nervous and uncertain about where things stood between us. I winced, inwardly deciding to corner Aoshi-sama later, and plastered on a big grin as I followed Okon and Omasu to the kitchen.

For once, I did not complain about having to help serve the tea and sweets. The familiar tasks steadied my nerves and gave my hands something to do aside from flutter uselessly in the air. 

The tray I carried did not rattle too much when I entered the room and my eyes immediately met Aoshi-sama's unreadable ice blue stare. I froze in mid-step, hardly daring to breathe. He had predictably seated himself on the edge of the group, in a position where he could watch the inner and outer shoji leading to the garden. He held my gaze for a brief, nerve-wracking moment, then looked away, down at his lap.

"Misao-chan, you're blocking the door," Okon said, laughing. That effectively broke the spell.

"Gomen, Okon-san," I said with false brightness. If my genki smile seemed a bit strained, my normal bouncy nature a bit exaggerated, the others did not remark upon it. And I still had to pour tea for Aoshi-sama. Maybe I'd save him for last.

"So, what is the latest news from Tokyo, Himura-san?" Jiiya asked pleasantly as I began to pour the tea. He leaned forward intently, eager for gossip.

"Arigatou, Misao-dono." Himura accepted a cup from me with a sweet smile. I nodded in reply and poured another for Kaoru. "We received a letter from Megumi-dono in Aizu a few weeks ago. She is well, and sends her regards. Sanosuke has been to visit her for treatment of his hand several times."

Kaoru-san laughed, her attention on juggling her small son in her lap and the cup of hot tea. "She says the baka rooster-head stays longer to pester her each time, but I don't think she really minds that," she added, her eyes glinting with good humor. "We're expecting a wedding announcement any day now."

We all laughed at that, remembering how the lady doctor and the street fighter had bickered almost incessantly when she'd come to treat Himura's wounds the last time everyone was gathered in Kyoto. Aoshi-sama remained silent, of course, eyeing the peaceful garden through the open shoji as if entertaining thoughts of escape. 

It was very hard not to pelt him with questions such as, why did you leave before I woke up? Did I do something wrong? Did you just not want to hurt my feelings by telling me what I did wrong? Or did you decide that it was a mistake and we should both just forget it ever happened? Why won't you just let me love you, you baka?!

I wished that we could both go somewhere private, if only just to talk. I really wanted to grab him and shake him until his teeth rattled. I hoped he didn't think that I was going to let him go that easily. Not after waiting so long for him to notice that I'm a grown woman. Certainly not after last night.

I bit my lip, returning my attention to the teapot before anyone could notice that my thoughts were wandering.

"Yahiko and Tsubame-dono are officially courting," Himura continued, a smile in his violet eyes. "That is another reason why he did not accompany us on this trip."

I snickered, trading a smile with Kaoru-san as I handed Jiiya his cup of tea. I almost wished that the little shrimp had come, if only so I could tease him to death about his little girlfriend.

At the very least, it would be a welcome distraction from my current…well, distraction.

Speaking of that distraction…the only person left to pour tea for was Aoshi-sama.

I kept my eyes on the cup and the teapot, glaring hard at my hands so they wouldn't shake. Not a single drop of tea splashed or spilled, whether due to the anger in my gaze or to the tremendous effort of will I expended to prevent that I'll never know.

Nor did the liquid even slosh as I slowly and silently passed it to Aoshi-sama. It hurt to look at him, so I stared at the cup in my hand, determined to not make a fool of myself yet again. That also helped to keep my burning questions and accusations hidden, for I knew he would be able to read them in my thoughts.

That strategy might almost have worked if his fingers had not closed over mine as he took the cup. Instantly, as if his eyes were magnets, our gazes connected and locked together. 

I couldn't see anything but his eyes, so very light in such a dark man's face. And for once his shields were down, letting me see into his heart. His confusion and turmoil, his sorrow and pain…it was all there, like that time when he appeared in the field.

I could feel a blush spread over my cheeks. Maybe his heart wasn't such a frozen wasteland after all…

To be continued…

Author's Note: To my surprise, I've had a few requests for more lemons, and not just for the Aoshi/Misao pairing. If I do write any more lemons, they'll be posted on my account at www.mediaminer.org under the pen name Inieda, same as on ff.net. I've learned my lesson (sigh). I'll put a notice on my profile at ff.net or in the chapter if there's a lemon scene I've cut from it.

Chapter title from Conjure One - Tears from the Moon (DJ Tiesto Sunrise Remix):

It just ain't fair - this thing called loving

When one step there and the other feels nothing

I would have done anything for you

I still love you, baby I adore you

I feel something falling from the sky

I'm so sad I made the angels cry

Tears from the moon

Fall down like rain

I reach for you

I reach in vain


End file.
